ConFab Cabaret XI

ConFab Cabaret XI was another fab night of poetry, song and, this time, visual art, as Sue Thompson ink-sketched the audience during the show and also had A3 giclée prints for sale. The night’s headline acts were the incredibly different Catherine Crosswell (only she could make teatowel chickens that unsettling); Suz Winspear (dark and wonderful gothic poetry and flash fiction); and Stephen Morrison-Burke (slam champ, previous Brum laureate and master of performance poetry). Prepare to Share (open mic, 2 minute slots) was as varied as always, including several songs.

Even lazier than usual, I couldn’t summon the energy to adjudicate between the various shout-out ideas for Fox Pops (the audience poem) so they mixed and matched camels, snow, Barbie, Christmas, wise men and anything else they fancied. I just taped the bits together and (attempted to) read it. Henri le Chat Noir could do it better, I suggest, but he’s probably a bit of a diva. And not so good with the mic. Or sellotape.

Here it is:

Dear Santa, I’ve been very good
please bring me a leopard print snood
and a wise man who is also
very, very rude!/
What shape is your fear?
Is it camel-shaped, alone, dessert-bound
or family-shaped, a Christmas tree around?
Do you compare, Barbie-like to everyone near?/
Blonde backed double hump
sink to Sahara sun – my dromedary
and fly the light of the Tureg sky./
As fans of Pratchett will know
the camel is far smarter
than you or I, particularly
when he spits in your eye. You Bastard!!/
Barbie the camel rode the rollercoaster in festive Christmas chill./
And the fear as we went over the top
flying down and down into the darkness
only to fly once more into the sunlight:
oh my god, what fun./
At a safari park
we have a camel ride
like riding on a roller coaster
with my Barbie doll bride/
Up and down up and down
Goes Barbie on the camel/
Xmas snow across the lakes
a camel-backed roller coaster
hides humans, houses,
hydrangeas, hydrants, hobbits/
Barbie got lost in the Buffalo snow
can’t run a real girl, chapped lips,
and dripping nose/
Barbie on a camel, floating through the snow
looking for some wise me, go, Barbie, go!/
Christmas, humps and Barbie dolls,
my Christmas wish list shall unfold./
Young girls dream
of Barbies in the their Christmas stockings!
Snow, sledging, a white Christmas/
Barbie strips the baubles from the tree and longs for a wise man.
Ken, she thinks, has got the hump; he hasn’t drunk a thing for days./
My Barbie Doll got the hump when Ken
stood her up. But they had a lonely Christmas./
Bought my Barbie a Xmas gift
tight jeans, the way to go
to my despair she was miffed
she put them on – camel toe/
I’m having a fah
you slag.
I’ve got the hump/
Oh Breville green cheery toaster
by baked goods 3 minute roller coaster
Je t’adore!/
Mrs Christmas, why is my sleigh all wet?
It’s because of the rain, dear/
Seven wise women
fly through the eye
of a camel.

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