ConFab Cabaret moved to a Saturday night at The Cube. The room was packed, the bar was busy and the atmosphere – as always – excellent. I’d been at work all day so my brain didn’t quite keep up with the pace, names and even some of the jokes. It was billed as “ConFab Cabaret X” where “X” may have been the show number or refer to some of the material read or sung, ending up with Catherine and Lindsey’s double act of double entendre and, even more, straight up filth with poetry, song and parody.
The audience chose “naked selfies” and “dinosaurs” (equal volumes of cheering) as joint themes for Fox Pops, The Audience Poem. As always, there were a few entries I struggled to read. One chap helpfully translated his first line, then, after he’d departed, I realised I couldn’t read the second, either. One joke I missed as I sticky-taped it all together but realised – belatedly – as I was reading it to the audience. Never mind, I was also the butt of a line or so, which must mean they love me. Or hate me. Hmm…
Here it is:
Jurassic Park, what a lark!
Jeff Goldbum shows his bum
and if he’d had an iPhone
he’d have taken a picture of it, and saved it in the iCloud
But they hadn’t been invented then
I knew I was ferocious because I’d studied
my reflection in my glazed cubic home
at the natural history museum and longed
for a digitised way with which to terrify the world.
I’d like to be seen on the front page,
though they’ll go in tomorrow’s bin;
but with such tiny dinosaur arms,
all my selfies show is my chin.
Hey T-Rex will you give me the horn
Not me, neanterthal –
Try Ceratops –
Did not need any keks
What a glorious shot of that sexy T-rex
As nude as a newt except for her specs.
Took a selfie with my Stegosaurus,
but he wears no clothes ….
more like a Dreg-osaurus.
A portrait taken on my Samsung Galaxy bone,
Remarkable there once existed a [poke?] the size of a trombone.
The selfish selfie was seen by
more than herself.
And how a snapshot, so intimately produced, in a moment
of cheeky self-celebration can transform into an object
of mockery and shame.
It was good for Dave, Barak and the Danish chick.
The hole in her tights was hidden by her knickers
Triceratops was at a party
Brontosaurus felt quite arty
Velociraptor pulled a stunt
and asked “Do you mind it I say cunt?”
And I’m turning ‘round my cell phone to
snap my naked T-rex-sex
Try annus sorrus Rex tried to take a selfie in his vest
He picked his teeth to look his best
but forgot is arms were too close to his chest
And ended up with a snap of his breast.
I found myself in the bush of a naked dinosaur called Selfie
who was 84 years old and very wealthy
with a cauliflower gripped in
its Jaws came dancing over
Naked iCloud girl you are so very clueless
But don’t worry, I know where to find some Bloomers.
If only more people would get naked in public
there’d be no need for these fucking naked selfies
That dinosaur has no clothes –
it’s not so very strange I spose.
Shyly we stripped
held the phone before us
away we slipped
but a Brontosaurus…